Being entrusted with a story..

*Emotional warning early pregnancy loss*

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@Mamaholzhauer for the photo

I wrestled with sharing this. Because I know it may be beyond difficult for some women to see. And I waited & gave myself time to grieve. Because it is the most heartbreaking moment of my life, thus far.

But when I was praying about it, I heard God say,

“you have taken the time to grieve & held the moments close & allowed yourself the time to heal. But this is a special part of your story on earth. A story I’ve given you. It’s our story together. And now is the time to share it with others.”

God reminded me that there are many women Who have lost a baby around the same time, between 6-8 weeks pregnant & those women never saw what that tiny person looked like inside of their womb.

But what I experienced, what God gave me, was different. I was able to hold the tiny little baby inside of the gestational sack.

There he or she was, bouncing around, the size of a tiny bean.

The baby had little eyes, a tiny nose and a mouth. I’m keeping the photos of him or her private. But I am sharing one of the sac.

 What struck me as I was peering at this tiny person, was this: I was once this small. Everyone walking the earth was just like this little tiny baby inside of their mother’s womb.




I was told this year that the painful things that happen outside of our control are often viewed in a surface way. They are viewed as a burden & something that happened because we are being tested. Or that they came about because we deserve punishment or something. .

 But it’s deeper than that, God is entrusting us with the story to tell. The suffering & the sadness teaches us a lot. And what we learn through the journey can be used to help others. We have been entrusted with this pain to further the Kingdom of God on earth.


Another lesson:

Our culture has made us weak. Because life isn’t hard in the same way that it once was. We also have the means to often find ways to run from our pain. We can use substances or television or any number of things to escape. And what I have learned through this is that facing the pain is better. Satan likes to lie to us and make us think that facing the pain will kill us. But it’s the opposite. Running from the pain prolongs healing and intensifies the feelings of grief. From the beginning of this I prayed to be able to face this head-on and not hide and feel what I’m supposed to feel as I walk this journey. Now I am not saying that this is easy by any means but I do find that six months down the road, and the sad moments happen but they are less than they were  

You can be happy for other people while also feeling sad. I have several friends that are pregnant. Some who are close to exactly where I would have been had this baby been able to thrive. And it’s amazing that while being happy for someone else you can walk through your feelings of sadness for yourself. And clinging to Jesus has been the answer.

Something else I learned:

Motherhood & the immensity of what God has given to us hit me hard that day I scooped my tiny little baby into my hand & ever since then it’s been a new level of life for me. This loss shed a new light on the enormity of being a mother. We are tasked with housing & protecting a human being at the most vulnerable he or she will ever be. I have housed 3 babies, and have known it’s miraculous. But this was a new level.

And after they are born, that task never ends. As Christ followers we are called to put their well being above our own. We sacrifice for them before we ever meet them. We give blood, sweat & tears to bring them into the world. And seeing such a tiny person who was forming inside of my body, shook my soul. How I felt/feel about that tiny person, who I won’t know this side of heaven, that longing I feel to know about them is how God feels about us when we put the things of earth above Him.

Jesus gave his life for mine & I accept that grace & forgiveness found only through his death, burial & resurrection. In doing so, in laying my life at His feet & saying, I’m yours, I give you my whole heart, I am choosing a life lived for His kingdom. The joy & immeasurable hope found only in Jesus, is worth it all.

Through the sadness, disappointment & pain, there is a peace & an assurance that the story is not over. And God’s ways are higher than mine & deeper. The further up & further in He takes us, the more His glory shines. We cannot let ourselves get caught up in the world & forget that our task as mothers is about more than our own feelings. It’s about looking at our children & remembering that they were intricately knit together by a creator. We must take that calling seriously. It’s a covenant between God & us.

It’s serious. Just like any other oath or vow we take, we must honor it every day  

Hills and valleys come and go but Jesus never changes.

If you ever need prayer please reach out.